I’m in my mid-twenties, and honestly get so much hate over being childfree that I’ve started telling people I have an adopted daughter when they ask about my kids. I just conveniently leave out the fact that my adopted daughter is, in fact, a 40-pound sheep, one of roughly two dozen that live in my back yard.
It isn’t even a lie, I raised that lamb on a bottle from the day she was born, as far as she’s concerned I’m her mom. And as long as I’m vague enough, the problems of dealing with sheep sound totally believable as human toddler parenting problems. “Oh yeah, my daughter’s two, she always puts everything in her mouth.” “Ugh, my daughter is always climbing on stuff, I swear she’s part mountain goat!”
I live for seeing how long I can keep it up before someone asks to see a picture of my little darling. “Sure!” I say, “Here she is! Isn’t she adorable?” then relish the horrified confusion when they see this tiny little brown sheep like:
It’s the best thing. It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever done, next to raising sheep in the first place.
I look after friends, and friend of friends kids a lot, and the personalities molded by the people around them is so… obvious. Kids who have parents who allow them to be themselves are, confident, out going, happy to talk about things they like, have no issue telling you “yes I’m happy with this” “no I’m bored”
But the kids whose parents/authority figures don’t support them? Scared to tell you what they like because they don’t want to be made fun of. Quiet, scared to form an opinion, if they don’t like something they just suffer through it because they don’t see their happiness as something important, as something anyone cares about.
And a lot of parents prefer it? They would rather have a quiet kid than a happy one. It’s so disgusting. Don’t even fucking have kids then. Get a pet rock, you’ll have more in common.
And a lot of parents who have kids who are afraid to form or express their opinions and emotions often tell their kids it’s ok for them to express how they feel, but the moment they do they’re guilt tripped, mocked, told their problems aren’t valid/important/a big deal, they tell other people without their kid’s permission, made fun of/told they’re childish, etc.
There’s a lot of that. Parents who want to know what their kids are thinking and feeling only to make the child more vulnerable to abuse, manipulation, humiliation.
There’s so many people who should never have children.
Sometimes my kids are on my last fucking nerve and I have to remind myself, “I WANT them to tell me if something is or isn’t okay, even if it’s the 500th time today that something small and random was upsetting – maybe they’re having a crappy day, and me telling them to knock it off wouldn’t help at all”.
^^^^^^
Deuce and I have managed to raise a VERY self-aware, emotionally developed child.
Which means ALL DAMN DAY LONG, I’m hearing, “Mom, I’m so sad and mad and frustrated!!!!!!!!” or “I don’t like that, you’re making me feel upset!” Alllllllllll day.
“Yes, kiddo – I get that it’s frustrating that your Lego keeps falling apart but… y’know, Lego be like that sometimes. Maybe you gotta try a different way or try to figure out why that piece doesn’t fit.”
“Yeah, I KNOW it’s upsetting to be disciplined but you just threw your food across the room and that’s not acceptable. I AM NOT happy with you right now and you WILL receive a consequence for that action. I’m sorry that makes you upset but… y’know, consequences be like that sometimes. Next time, let’s try to remember a better way to react so that we can both feel happy instead of upset.”
It is exhausting. So many times, I’d much rather just say, “Enough! Just be quiet. Figure it out. Don’t make things worse.”
But he needs to know he’s safe to talk to me about things that don’t feel right/good. He needs to know it’s important to me that he is happy and comfortable. And, most importantly, he needs to learn how to acknowledge these feelings (oh boy! has he got the hang of that!) and healthy ways to deal with and work through them.
I am not a fan of the emotional outbursts at all. Sometimes I worry that I’m too impatient with them. But I’m lucky that I have a kid who can say what he feels, calm down, then find a solution in under 30 seconds every time he has an outburst. I hope, as he grows older and is less impulsive, the outburst portion will dissipate altogether.
I will NEVER make him feel bad or guilty or stupid or like a burden for any feeling he expresses to me.
I feel like there’s another nuance to this, and I saw it especially as I got older, where you have parents who are good at never directly mocking/judging their own kids (at least to their face) but they constantly judge and mock other kids and people in front of those same kids.
So, sure, your parent might swear they’ll support you no matter what you do, but if you’ve spent all of high school listening to that parent mock all the kids that wanted to participate in or study a particular thing, of course you’re not going to trust that they’re not secretly going to mock and judge you, too, if you wanted to do that thing.
“A long-term study of children
raised by lesbians found that these children were less likely
to suffer from physical and sexual abuse than were their peers
who were raised by heterosexuals. This is thought to be due to
the absence of adult heterosexual men in the households (Gartrell,
Bos, & Goldberg, 2010). Girls raised by
lesbians tend to have higher self-esteem, show more maturity
and tolerance than their peers, and are older when they have
their first heterosexual contact (Gartrell et al., 2005, 2010). Children
raised by same-sex parents seem to be less constrained by
traditional gender roles; boys are less aggressive, and girls are
more inclined to consider nontraditional careers, such as doctor,
lawyer, or engineer (Gartrell et al., 2005; Stacey & Biblarz,
2001). Over the course of more than 20 years, scientists studied
the psychological adjustment of 78 teenagers who were raised by lesbian mothers. Compared to age-matched counterparts raised
by heterosexual parents, these adolescents were rated higher
in social, academic, and total competence, and lower in social
problems, rule-breaking, aggression, and externalizing problem
behavior (Gartrell & Bos, 2010).
There are fewer studies of children raised by two men, but gay
fathers are more likely than straight fathers to put their children
before their career, to make big changes in their lives to accommodate
a child, and to strengthen bonds with their extended families
after becoming fathers (Bergman, Rubio, Green, & Padrone,
2010).” ~ Martha Rosenthal, Human Sexuality: From Cells to Society, p.247.
Solutions Without Problems 